Harvey Updyke Sentenced, Alabama Fans Email Finebaum [Exclusive]

(Photo by AP)

Tree poisoner and avid hat collector, Harvey Updyke Jr., changed his plea from non-guilty to guilty today in the case concerning the poisoning of Auburn University’s Toomer’s Corner oak trees. Ed Enoch of AL.com reported that Updyke was sentenced to a three year sentence:

“Under the deal for a three-year-split sentence, Updyke must remain incarcerated for six months and will be on five years of supervised probation after his release, according to the district attorney’s office. Under probation, Updyke is forbidden from attending any collegiate sports event, has a 7 p.m. curfew, cannot talk with the media, and is banned from any AU property.”

Updyke publically admitted his actions on the Paul Finebaum radio show in 2011, under the moniker, “Al from Dadeville.” The trees were fatally poisoned and are scheduled to be ceremonially removed following a final rolling on April 23, after the Auburn spring football game.

Paul Finebaum has been off the air since January of this year. This moment, along with National Signing Day and Saban offering a scholarship to an eighth grader, would have been perfect discussion topics for the normally contentious Finebaum show.

Without the convenience of calling Paul themselves, a group of concerned Alabama fans wrote a sternly worded email to the former radio host. That email was obtained by this site and we felt that it needed to be revealed. The thoughts of a “nation” should not be quelled due to the vacancy of an iconic radio host who is no longer waiting on the other line to hear their thoughts and concerns. Here is that email (which is fake, by the way):

Dear Paul,

            If President Obama and his lame-stream media friends up in New York City wanna stop a man from using his Constitutional rights to kill something that belongs to other people and that he dislikes, then I just don’t know if I want to live in America anymore. Harvey Updyke is a damn American hero, Paul. He seen people put a $cam Newton jersey on the statue of Bear Bryant and he poisoned them trees because of it. It’s what we all woulda done, Paul. I mean, we LOST in a game of FOOTBALL, to AUBURN. Somethin’ had to be done.

This guy wouldn’t hurt anything, Paul. Well, other than trees, of course.

            Alabama Nation and Saban Nation and any other nations that we happen to come up with for next season are in total support for Mr. Updyke. You can’t ban him from Alabama games. That’s un-American! It was just a prank, Paul. Like, if a Bama fan cooked South Carolina’s chicken mascot – the animal one, not the kid in a chicken suit – that’d be hilarious, right? Paul, let me remind you that an Auburn fan PUT A SCAM GODDAMN NEWTON JERSEY ON THE STATUE OF THE BEAR. What them trees got is what they got because that’s what they deserved. A prank that can be fixed in two seconds by taking the jersey off of the inanimate statue of PAUL W. “BEAR” BRYANT – that has no feelings – obviously has to be met by killing a living thing that’s special to those Auburn folk. What’s right is right, Paul.

            Thank God you’re off the air, Paul, ‘cause if I was him, I’d be callin’ into your show every day until you picked up the telephone. But now the “law” says he can’t do that. And he’s banned from all Auburn property. Now, that ain’t no punishment, ‘cause I don’t know anyone who’d wanna spend any non-tree-poisoning time down there anyway.

            Basically Paul, we miss you. We don’t think that Harvey would’ve been treated like this if you were still around. He just has too much ‘Bama in him, Paul. And that ain’t ever been no crime in my book.

            Roll Damn Tide,



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